I feel all sorts of things today. I feel like on the outside it looks like I have healed to the world. I don't cut anymore, I don't do dramatic things just to get reactions out of other people. I'm pretty bubbly most of the time. You know, a lot of the time that doesn't seem the case on the inside. My inner self is screaming at me to say "Notice me! Love me! Save me! I need you! Take care of me! I matter too!" When I feel like I do right now, that's what I want. I know I can save myself. I can take care of myself. I can love myself. I just want to have someone to lean back on sometimes for that.
It's more apparent in the last few months that I am a connector. I lead people to the things or people that they need to be with or be a part of and then my job with them is done. I've been told that's really cool and it's a blessing to help people like that. I suppose I should not complain about my gift, but it's fucking lonely. I connect them and then I'm no longer needed. Most of the people don't notice that I'm the connector, but I see it blatantly when I'm no longer needed. It's bittersweet and it's fucking lonely. I want my own connection, not to just be the bridge between two things. Do I not have things I could teach somebody? Do I not create the spark that you need?
I used to say when I was little that I'd love to just go through this earthly experience and not have a spouse to save me the trouble of looking for one and then when I die, arrive in heaven and have him just waiting for me. No searching, no mistaken loves, he's just there and it's right forever. I wonder if this is catching up with me. I want him now. I want someone to do all of the things that my heart is screaming on the inside. I don't want to have anymore of these half relationships where it's okay to be affectionate and cuddle up together and flirt when it's not real. It's just how it seems to go lately. I've been patient and I realize that God is trying to teach me the patience lesson and apparently I am just not getting it cause I seem to mess things up when they would maybe been okay if I had just been patient. Patience hurts.
I keep wanting to run away just to hurt the people I love. I want to uproot myself and get a job in London or back East and just leave everyone behind. Funny thing is, last time I went away to England for school, I was calling everyone I knew just to chat with.
I'm so confused right now. I'm happier when I don't have to talk to certain people all day everyday, but that is what I'm doing right now. Things in my head are fucked up right now. I'm not exactly sure what to do about it, but I will be okay. I always am.
1 comment:
<3 If you need, I am here. (Currently) in the background, but here for you.
Post a Comment