Sick

I keep listening to this part in a song over and over again. "I called you a whore and broke down your door but you don't even hate me. And how can I heal when you won't even feel? Why won't you hate me?" and I rewrite them in my head. "You called me a whore and broke down my door and I don't even hate you. How can I heal when I can't even feel?" I shut off the other day. I think it was in reaction to some of the things that have happened lately and I just needed to be okay so I shut off. Or it was just me snapping back into reality. My grandma died and I couldn't stop crying. I was sobbing at work and doing the little hiccup thing that happens when you cry really hard, but I had no idea why. My grandma had been sick for a long time and didn't even know who I was anymore. She could only remember 2 songs and everything else in her life was lost to her. I hadn't seen her in months and it felt like she was already gone. Then she actually died. Why on earth was I so upset? What changed in my day to day happenings? I can't quite figure it out. Maybe because the generations have changed now. I have no more grandparents. Perhaps because you are supposed to cry when people you know die. Maybe it's because someone who I loved and had spent a lot of time with got sick and passed away. Maybe because no matter how much I had visited recently, she was still my grandma and I still loved her. She is the woman who taught me how to build lego houses with really awesome roofs. She made me cottage cheese with sugar sprinkles on top so it changed from white to pink or green. She always had different kinds of cookies in all 5 of her cookie jars. She also taught me how to serve. As she got sick and my grandpa passed, I really got the chance to serve. I affectionately referred to it as Grandma-sitting. My family and I would go up to her house in Murray and take care of the yard and spend the night with her. She used to read me the same story out of the newspaper until I fell asleep. Then things got worse. You had to make sure she ate and make sure she got her pajamas on and went to bed. She was sick one of the times I was there with her and was throwing up. You had to take care of her like she used to take care of us when we were little. It was hard to do and watch, but I am thankful that she gave me and my family the opportunity to learn how to do this.

I still don't know if my emotions are shut off, or it I really am okay. That kind of scares me too.