Oddness Dude

So I'm finding my emotions jumping all over the freaking place in the past few weeks. I think the combination of being in Denver, having money issues, feeling abandoned by my chosen family, hating my job, having my car break, feeling burnt out, and the whole empath thing are getting to me. I know I am having my own issues, but picking up on others issues/feelings and not being able to tell if they are my mine is making it hard.
I am still trying to figure out how to use this gift. I think that other things are included in this empath gift package, like feeling things on a deeper level than most humans. I also think some things were left out of the package, like a freaking instruction manual. I think that is the most frustrating part. I don't know what to do with it or how to control it. I feel like this gift was given to me and right as it started developing, my mentor bailed on me. So I feel like I have been left to deal with something that I have never been taught how to deal/cope with. I know in the end I will grow and learn from it, but right now I feel like a scared little girl who is curled up in the corner waiting for the strength of her...Mentor? Brothers? Close friends?... to pick her up and protect her from the dark and teach her how to deal with it and to not be afraid anymore. I don't feel protected. I don't feel like anyone wants to protect me. I keep realizing that I have to protect myself, but from this particular thing, I don't have the tools or experience to build the necessary wall to protect myself behind.

"Tidal waves they rip right through me. Tears from eyes worn cold and sad. Pick me up now, I need you so bad." -Down, Blink 182

Denver was great, intense, and different. I got to spend time with friends and drive all over the place. I randomly found myself up at Red Rock Amphitheater. It was foggy and misty and great. It totally recharged my energy. I got to hang out with Evey lots. She rocks my socks off. I got to hang with V some too. :) Great people. I also felt very at home there. Like I was just brought into the family. It was nice. I miss it a lot.
My car broke right before I left for Denver and I had to grovel to my parents for help. They helped but now I owe them money. I hate owing them money. They will help me, but they feel that gives them a right to lecture and make me feel bad about everything pertaining to my life. I could understand a lecture about spending your money better and saving for a rainy day, but not about my life choices.
My mentor has something going on and has not really talked to me in over a month. I feel abandoned. I feel like the rest of my family has bailed too. Shrugs. It hurts a lot but I am dealing the best I can.
I realize that my job is driving me nuts. I'm super grateful for it, but I want to be doing things differently.
When I say differently, I mean I want to be in school, in a different state, with a different job. I feel like I was just kind of pushed into a career that is not what i want. I have been working in the same industry since I was 18 years old. I was put there by my parents. It was such a great opportunity that I couldn't justify going away to school when I had such a good job for someone so young. I had no idea how I would pay for such a thing. I pay for everything, including school. There is no college fund from the parents. So I have just been taking classes when I can as I do not want to have any more student loans.
I find myself looking back at the things I wanted to do straight out of high school and trying to figure out how I can make them happen. I want to go out of state/country to finish college. My big plan is to get my associates somewhere here in the states and then hopefully transfer either to somewhere in England or to a different school somewhere else in the states.. I would love to go to the University of Washington in Seattle. I fell in love with it when I went out there on a choir trip in high school. I also have been looking at Pointe Loma College in California. It was so beautiful when I was there. I would love to finish up either in Gallway or somewhere in the UK.
I find myself listening to 2 songs over and over again the past little while. I think they describe what I am bouncing around in my head best.

"It just takes some time little girl you're in the middle of the ride. Everything, everything will be just fine. Everything, everything will be alright, alright." -The Middle, Jimmy Eat World

"Don't you think I'm pretty when I'm standing top the bright lit city and I'll take you hand and pick you up and keep you there so you can see. As long as you're alive and care, I promise I will take you there...So here I am it's in my hands, and I'll savor every moment of this. So here I am, alive at last, and I'll savor every moment of this" -The Taste Of Ink, The Used

So pretty much I feel like I keep making progress and getting what I want and then the next day I feel like I'm stuck in the same spot. I feel like I'm doing things for other people, which brings me lots of joy, but I am forgetting myself in the process. Usually that is an awesome thing, but not right now when I feel like I need to be nurtured. I need to be the one being lifted up instead of doing the lifting. I feel fragile right now, which is not normal for me. I usually feel like I am super strong warrior woman who can take care of herself. But lately I feel like everything is balanced precariously one on top of the other and anyone poking their finger or words into the wrong place will make it all tumble down and Ashley will go BOOM!!! I'm okay with going BOOM if the person that poked is there to help me sort through everything that has collapsed around me. If they're there to help me pick out what I need to rebuild and throw away the rest. If they help put me back together with a little bit of their own super glue or duct tape and aren't afraid of what might happen.
I keep reminding myself to be patient and that all of the things I already know are going to happen are on their way. Waiting is hard. I'm glad they're coming, but the waiting part is not fun. I see the lessons I'm learning from this particular part of my life, but that doesn't make them any less painful. Just because you can see the light at the end of the tunnel does not make the part you are in any less darker. It does however provide motivation for you not to sit down and die in the tunnel. It lets you know that there is something else that is better coming your way. You just have to get through the dark first.
This blog was a big ramble of stuff that needed to get out of my brain. :) Yay for getting lots of stuff out.