Being awake at 3:20 in the morning tends to make ones thoughts race. Thoughts trigger emotions and then it's just a big mess of feelings. I feel like there's a hole in my being and I'm not sure exactly what it is. I just know that it makes me want to cry. Crying doesn't always mean sadness is afoot. I feel more of a sense of longing, although I'm not sure exactly what that longing is for. Am I longing for a lovers arms around me, their hands lulling me to sleep? I thought that would be it, but that doesn't feel accurate to me. Could I be missing my family? That one seems a bit odd as they live less than 5 minutes away? Could it be that I just feel like I'm in a rut? I think it might be that one. I've had these epiphanies of what I need to do with certain things in my life, yet I can't just jump on them yet and that is super frustrating to me. I can't go to school until it starts in May. I feel like I'm not getting any clarification on where my life is going otherwise. I feel stuck right now. I feel like I'm being taught to have patience again. I really hate learning this patience lesson over and over again.
I miss the boy. I miss the growing that was going on with him and the roads that I was able to travel with him. I miss the fun of that. I miss him pushing my boundaries. I find myself not really wanting to go to any parties or kink events because I don't feel like I'm getting the deeper stuff that I currently want out of it. I really just want to be able to delve into that deeper stuff again instead of having to play around with the niceties of first time play with new people. I don't want to go through that right now. I want to have people close to me that can do the things I want, or who push me.
I feel melancholy right now. I've been sick all weekend long and my parents were supposed to come bring me dinner and they forgot. I know that sounds like a lame thing to be upset about, but I realize that I hate being forgotten. My heart hurts right now and I have no idea why. Everything is so muddled, inside and out. I can't seem to get a clear picture and it's bothering me. I usually have pretty decent intuition about things, but lately it just feels like things can go whichever way and it doesn't matter. Maybe I just have to go through all of the muddled stuff without any guidance because it really doesn't matter. Maybe things will clear up when things are supposed to change. That's how I'm feeling right now.
A jumbled entry for a jumbled feeling me. Fitting
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