Epiphany

So I had this epiphany last night. I am a creature of pleasure. I am lazy and I like things that make me feel good. I have a hard time with self control, especially with things that are difficult. (there are a few exceptions.) I realized last night that I no longer want to do things just because they are easy or entertaining. I want to do things that help me learn or grow or somehow change the world. I want to do important things. I'm willing to forsake things that make me smile on the surface for things that add to my intellect or make me think and grow inside. I'm so tired of surface conversations and relationships with people. There are only 2 people that I can think of that are in my life currently who talk about ideas and theories instead of just gossiping. I'm finding myself missing those conversations. When did life become an endless sea of gossip? When did the people I chose to surround myself with decide that that was enough for them? That they didn't want anything else? Gossip was fine, who cares about debating new ideas and politics. I found myself slipping down that hole and I want out. I have even made myself start reading up on some political things, even though in the past I have proclaimed to hate it. I realized that I don't hate it. I hated that it made me think and made me have to chose a side, and that wasn't easy or lazy, so naturally I avoided it. I also think I avoided making decisions because I would always second guess myself, never trusted my gut. I always thought I might have had something better if I had made the other choice. I'm now to the point where I realize that whatever happens happens, and I will learn and grow from it and most likely will be okay. I feel like I'm growing up and taking control, and that is such a better feeling than anything pleasurable :)